Your Marriage Can Thrive Through Parenthood
Tips From My Husband To Yours
I was in a private session recently when my client nonchalantly said, “I don’t know how any marriage survives the first year of parenthood.” I was like, “Yeah, it’s HARD!” You’re both sleep deprived, all of your individual origin stories have been unleashed (and you don’t have energy to process that shit during a 3AM feeding) and the love you both feel for this little being has eclipsed everything. The score sheets of who’s doing what, quickly come out and partnership deteriorates into debate.
In my in-person practice, group classes, and with my own mom circle this is an ongoing conversation. We are constantly unpacking the dynamics of our marriages on parenthood and figuring out what works and what doesn’t— a place for each of us to download the stress. And, one thing is crystal clear to allllllll of us…
Moms need help.
But, telling us that we need help and should just ask for it is not helpful.
Here is what you both can do instead. From the RM Inner Circle chats and from my own marriage (this list is tested and approved by Ken!), these are “easy” ways to make some shifts—the challenge for you both is to make the shift. Remember to keep it light, have fun, and lean in…
HOW TO REALLY HELP HER
(Psssst…share this list with your partner!)
Understand Her Mental Load: It takes longer for moms to explain and delegate than to do it ourselves. Instead of asking, “how can I help,” observe the shared home you live in and then tell her, “I see [blank] needs to be done.” Then, propose a timeline of execution, “When you’re done feeding, I’ll put the baby in the ergo and start the laundry. Do you feel like you’d be in a place to shower or workout then?”
Make Decisions: Moms live in decision overload. Make some of the decisions and then run them by her. For example, “I see we have zucchini and arugula in the fridge. I’ll pick up chicken and make a salad to go with it for dinner. Does that sound good to you?”
Be Her Emotional Support: The internal, mental script running in a mom’s head is peppered with self-criticism—even the most evolved mom is living in a constant state of self-doubt. She needs to be grounded in honesty and seen and heard, not argued with. The best support you can offer is to ask if you can give her a hug and tell her she’s an excellent mom. Follow by giving her an example of something you appreciated about her mothering from that day. It will transform her inner state.
The Anti-Hero: Partner, know yourself and be honest about what you need. If you’re overriding your own needs, thinking that’s helping her…it’s not. Neither is solely focusing on yourself. The volume is turned way up on everyone’s needs after a baby arrives and noticing burn out in yourself and in her will help you understand and address each other’s base-line needs before the wheels come off.
Calm During The Storm: She’s going to have a moment (or many) where she freaks out—it’s a cry for help. She’s been red-lining too long, too hard. Please don’t react. Ask if you can hold her and then just hold her. Do not try to fix anything. Tell her she’s doing a great job and reflect back to her what she’s saying, “I hear that you hate seeing the laundry on the floor,” keep it simple. This is not the moment for analyzing—hold, calm, and love.
Lead The Calendar: Create it, color-code it, and share it with her. Put in the obvious appointments (doctors, work, etc.) and then invite her to make a list with you about personal daily needs like showers, workouts, sleep, alone time, time together, and then schedule that shit! Yes, even the naps. It won’t all work all the time, but if you can hit 50% of your aspired schedule, you are winning at parenthood!
Keep Laughing Together: Remember to turn each other’s attention back to the loving family you are growing together. Negativity has a gravitational pull, but so does positivity. Learn to flip a power struggle or reactive moment on its head with a living room dance, a hug, a smile or a simple reminder, “I love you and we’re winning at parenthood!”
Teamwork makes the dream work—you guys got this!